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Cleaning up the mean streets of the internet - because somebody's gotta do it. From the cyberpunk hellscape of Neo-Chicago, Officer Kevin and Officer Grant monitor the world wide web so you don't have to. Leave us a voicemail to play on the show: 312-788-7361 or send an audio file to thoughtcopspodcast@gmail.com The Thought Cops have deputized a number of your favorite thought leaders, content creators, comedians, online personalities, and more, in their effort to clean up the internet once and for all.
Episodes
Wednesday Jun 26, 2019
Wednesday Jun 26, 2019
I hope you're all standing, because we're about to start a new episode of Thought Cops! Joining us this week is Danny "The Street" Thompson of ShadowForks Games. He's here to talk to us about the ethics in games journalism. Danny also regales us with tales of his trip to E3.
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Field Notes
Make sure to check out our call into Mega 64's Poorly Played Stream!
https://youtu.be/gb-aqgHuekc
Here's Danny's video about Death Note: The Musical:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y73Gc15q8PI
This week, we try not to let the existential dread kick in as we talk about ironically detached stock phrases, the lack of sympathy the internet has for people, and the litter all over the streets and sidewalks.
This week we also make Gaten Matarazzo get a real fucking job, we talk about Rachel Dolezal doing bisexual-face, and OJ Simpson's brand new Twitter account. We also narrowly avoid talking about Kyle Kashuv getting rejected from Harvard for saying the n-word, and something else about Anita Sarkeesian being in the news. Phew!
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Support the show on PatreonTuesday Jun 18, 2019
Tuesday Jun 18, 2019
Do the thing, this week we have Ian Erickson of Punching Up on Thought Cops. He does the thing.
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Field Notes
SPOILER ALERT. We put all the things we talk about in the episode IN THIS POST. Lurkers beware. This week, we challenge Justin Bieber and Tom Cruise to a pizza roll eating contest, and NEITHER of them take us up on it.
Bad news for clown frogs everywhere, the "honk honk" meme got banned on Facebook. Also though, it didn't. Looks like FAKE NEWS is a... REAL PROBLEM!
Also, hold off paying off your student loans until you're at the end of your life (65), because if you do, it will only cost you TEN DOLLARS. Looks like instead of food, my generation will be eating the old.
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Tuesday Jun 11, 2019
Tuesday Jun 11, 2019
Darken your eyeshadow and your souls, because this week on Thought Cops we're joined by everybody's favorite resident goth gamer girl, Niko.
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Field Notes
If you're not tired of us beating a dead horse by constantly deconstructing the increasing monopolistic stranglehold on audiovisual internet content by Youtube, you're in luck. Because this week Steven Crowder, aka "The Brain" from the Gay Rat Wedding Show on PBS goes head to head with Vox commentator Carlos Maza in who can use the most homophobic slurs and get their Youtube channel completely demonetized. You'll never guess who wins. If we never have to talk about the Youtube adpocalypse or "Voxadpocalypse" again, I'll stop drinking and clean up my act.
This episode we also plan our trip to Boston to celebrate Straight Pride, and we invent a new game for the parade that's kind of like the Mark Wahlberg version of pin the tail on the donkey. We also make fun of how the McElroy brothers look, women who put their middle name as their last name on Facebook, and too many stairs.
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Monday Jun 03, 2019
Monday Jun 03, 2019
Grab an antacid and loosen your belt, it's episode 118 of Thought Cops! This week we're joined once again by the Porklift himself, Allan of Not for Human Consumption, and new guest Lisa of the Garbage and Gold podcast. Both humiliatingly lost to Officer Grant in the horrifying display of humanity that was The 1st Annual NFHC Podcast Super Pizza Roll Championship Turbo Edition. Video below:
https://youtu.be/gFF_jfIdyA8
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Show Notes
Attention all #boymoms out there, make sure your kid isn't jelqing. It'll fuck up his dick, and then he'll have to have massive incel reconstructive surgery because otherwise nobody will fuck him. Want California to float off into the ocean? Be the change you want to see in the world. Has all this "this okay sign is a white supremacist symbol" stuff gone on long enough? Two Chicago area high schools say: hahahaha fuck you bitches WE'RE NOT YET. Maybe this trend will be over as soon as George R.R. Martin finishes writing his goddamn books.
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Monday May 27, 2019
Monday May 27, 2019
Pop a capsule and smash that play button, it's your weekly episode of Thought Cops, with special guest Kris Wilson of Cyanide & Happiness and Explosm.net.
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Show Notes
We've got a lot of paperwork to get through this episode. Alabama bans an episode of a children's cartoon. Fucking SJWs. Game of Thrones leaves a water bottle on set. Apparently the crew cares just about as much as I do. Robert Pattinson is playing Batman, but hopefully we can get Kristen Stewart to play Catwoman and Taylor Lautner to play Joker. Everybody sign your change.org petitions. People I didn't know existed, the Krassenstein brothers, get banned from Twitter, and get forced to move back into their parent's house and sleep in their old bunk beds.
Speaking of online idiots getting too involved in politics, Youtubers need to stop running for public office, before we all really do end up living in a honk honk clown world. In other news, reply guys are taking over the internet, so load up your green squirt guns and barricade yourself in your house for protection.*****
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Episode produced by Commissioner Zwick
*****footnote: this is not a death threat
Wednesday May 22, 2019
Wednesday May 22, 2019
Good day. This week on the beat we're joined by the Hard Men Working Hard, Lakembra, Sam, and Aciou/Vistas. You can listen to them on Soundcloud, Youtube, Patreon, and their Bandcamp. Also check out their monthly podcast Filler Content, which is in basically all those links I just put.
Show Notes
This week in honk honk clown world, we enter the dawn of a new culture war as Mr. Ratburn from somehow still-running PBS children's show Arthur gets gay married. It's as Karl Marx said in the Cultural Marxist Manifesto: "get together and make things better, by working together." If you don't think that's bad, wait until you hear how despondent everyone becomes when we somehow end up talking about a Youtube makeup artist named James Charles. Maybe Uber is right in creating a quiet button for their drivers, except instead of only working in their cars, they silence everyone and everything.
We have a NEW T-SHIRT DESIGN up in the Thought Cops store.
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Click here for tickets to see us live on Thursday, August 22nd at the Crowd Theater in Chicago.
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Wednesday May 15, 2019
Wednesday May 15, 2019
Bananagram! This week on the beat we're joined by Ari Grabb, creator of Bento Banana, as well as a whole youtube channel full of great content.
Show Notes
This episode, we toss Facebook gore posts, Sonic the Hedgehog (again), Smash Bros meme stages, and "_______ shit particles on it" into the paddy wagon and beat the shit out of them. We also kick a Cubs owner out of Wrigley Field for being a white supremacist, we run all over Nick DiPaolo's lawn and stomp on his daylillies, and try and save the economy by never eating at Burger King or Starbucks ever fucking again.
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Click here for tickets to see us live on Thursday, August 22nd at the Crowd Theater in Chicago.
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Wednesday May 08, 2019
Wednesday May 08, 2019
Here you are, crawling back for more. Go ahead, have another episode of Thought Cops. Deputy Sancho joins us this week, after all.
Show Notes
Like a phoenix, he has risen from the ashes. That's right, that horrible live-action Sonic that everyone hates is getting a redesign thanks to your complaining. Alex Jones gets kicked off of facebook, severing his last line of broadcasting to the masses: your conservative aunt's profile page. We also talk about blue text bubble vs green text bubble class warfare, radical politicians, and the confusing conundrum that is the Star Wars movie franchise.
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Don't forget to donate to Sancho's charity walk for NAMI. It's for a good cause.
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Wednesday May 01, 2019
Wednesday May 01, 2019
Bon jour! This week we're joined by Chicago comedian Bontrager.
Show Notes
Officer Kevin is finally back from Japan, and the squad car is hitting the streets hard. We take out the "honk honk, clown world" bullshit, people instagramming movies, and the poor souls in this world who are the only people on the entire planet who have never seen Game of Thrones.
We cover this ridiculous tweet from a musicologist, LGBT representation in Marvel movies, internet streamer Etika gets swatted, and Charles Martinet clarifies just exactly what Mario says as he perpetrates a hate crime against Bowser.
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Tuesday Apr 23, 2019
Tuesday Apr 23, 2019
Konnichiwa! You're tuning into Thought Cops radio scanner channel 69.6. Officer Kevin is currently radioing into the show in the middle of an undercover reconnaissance mission in Neo-Toyko 3 to investigate the horrors that video games are plaguing upon the public discourse this week.
Show Notes
Make sure to buy tickets for the Boomer vs. Zoomer tour if you'll be in Chicago on August 22nd, featuring former guests of Thought Cops Asterios Kokkinos, Mumkey Jones, and Sriracha. We'll be opening for them. Get your tickets now!
Like we mentioned, Officer Kevin had to go to Japan this week after Nintendo was found to be using disability slurs in a video game's song. In retaliation, we destroy a young gaming journalist's career. We also go across the pond to France, because people won't stop sharing vacation pictures on social media after a church burned down. So we had to go in and burn all the social media company headquarters down. That's at least one of the reasons why Reddit isn't working today.