Thought Cops: Episode 28

August 21, 2017

Hold onto your medium sized waffle cones, because you're listening to episode 28 of Thought Cops! This week we're joined once again by Deputy Russell from the Cyberpunk Hallel District of L.A., formerly of the Antebellum District of Mississippi. He's on this week as a representative of the entirety of the south, so get out your pitchforks and tiki torches. Just kidding. The conversation we have about growing up in the south, living in a present that's not too far removed from the history most of us only seem to read about, and breaking down a lot of presuppositions about the culture and what's really fueling the seemingly sudden rise of white supremacy in the country, is probably the most interesting content we've had to date. So make sure not to miss this one.

Here's the clip of the movie "Whore" I referenced in the episode:

See, it does exist, you fucks.

Here's the tweet sent out by Donald Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen, proving he's not racist by showing us that he has black friends.

When asked about this bizarre tweet in an interview, he had this to say:

We also talk about Pewdiepie distancing himself from Neo-Nazis by refusing to make anymore Nazi jokes, and Macklemore distancing himself from white supremacists by... getting a haircut. He went from looking like a Hitler Youth, to a skinhead. Oops. There's no pleasing some people I guess.

Feel free to drop us a comment, send us a tweet, follow us on Facebook, or leave us a review on iTunes.

Thought Cops: Episode 27

August 15, 2017

Lube up your gloves, because it's another episode of Thought Cops! This week, we're once again joined by Deputy Ron of Big Sword Panel, to talk about reclaiming swastikas, fake Twitter conversations, curvy wives, fisting the New York Times, red-pilled grandpas, and manifestos.

KA Designs came under fire this week for trying to make the swastika cool again. Needless to say, it didn't happen. You can read some fake news on it here.

Then again, what news can you trust anymore? None of it, apparently. That's the lesson we're supposed to learn on Twitter this week, because as sexual assault allegations fly around the gaming community, one brave Twitter user took it into her hands to show you can't trust everything you see, by making a fake DM conversation, and ruining someone's reputation in the process just in case. You can't make an omelette without doxxing a few eggs, right?

Its hard not to be cynical in this day and age, with so much rampant negativity in the news. Right? Wrong! One Instagram user took it into his own hands to show that true love exists in all shapes and sizes, namely, the shape and size of his big, curvy wife. He loves her no matter what. And he goes to great lengths to prove this to as many people as he can, as many times as he can, and no amount of publicity is going to stop him! Here's some more fake news on it.

Oh yeah, fisting. The New York Times may soon be experiencing that unique feeling of a middle-aged conservative woman's fist in their ass, if the threat is meant to be read literally. Cause it sure as hell sounds like it. I hope you took your red pills this morning because this one's gonna hurt.

And despite anything that exiled google employee James Damore has to say about women, one fictional woman just shattered the glass ceiling- all the way into outer space! And that's why this week, Harry Potter- I mean, Princess Leia from Star Wars gets the key to the city!

Never trust your fists, only the Thought Cops can help you.

Thought Cops: Episode 26

August 9, 2017

Get the fuck off your parent's insurance, because it's Episode 26 of THOUGHT COPS. This week we're joined once again by our show's Stenographer to talk about Chicago's most notorious outrage victim, Jordan Peterson getting his Youtube taken down and then put back up, tan-skinned people of unassumed ethnic origin disrespecting American monuments, Earthworm Jim's creator misgendering journalists, a very special Veggie Tales story, a video games, and finally, a crazy lady gets her tires smashed and you need to know all about it.

First, a bit of redemption for Chicago's prehistoric outrage victim, Steve Bartman. You may remember back in 2004 when this happened:

Well now he's come to the end of his series arc, because the Cubs have decided to give him a World Series Ring. You can both give Carlos Slim more money and read all about it by clicking here.

Next we have the story of a disgusting family that crossed a border, came here, and disrespected the land that they lived off of.

Except it turns out that the border they crossed, and the land that they "lived off of" were probably not exactly what you were thinking of.


In other news, Jordan Peterson got his Youtube taken down but then got it back. So, yeah. I don't know. Next.

Earthworm Jim's creator is in some hot water for misgendering a Gaming-American journalist online. The ironic part is that somebody also confused Earthworm Jim's creator for someone that anybody should give a fuck about.

This episode we also delve deeper into the origin story of Officer Kevin. Turns out he was the sole inspiration for the character "Kevin" in 321 Penguins. You know, the stupid one.

We also give the Key to the City this week to whatever genius drew this picture:


Thought Cops: Episode 25

August 1, 2017

Welcome to Episode 25 of Thought Cops! This week, we run out of things to talk about and end up auditorily describing different memes. I'm not kidding. Just a few weeks ago we criticized a rival podcast for being unlistenable, but it didn't hit too long for us to hit that same point. Next episode we might start talking about our horoscopes. Load up 21 times, because I'm getting too dayumn old for this.

This week we take down all the people that are ruining America, which is everybody. But more specifically, Trent Reznor, The Emoji Movie, TJ Miller, Pokemon Go, Nintendo, and Patreon. And all this time you thought it was Communism.

Should Trent Reznor be able to voice criticism, no matter how abrasive, against the leader of the free world? No. Straight to Room 101 for reeducation. Good thing we got that out of the way. Next.

Should TJ Miller be able to say that women aren't funny, and though we might find offense in the sentiment and disagree to varying levels, is that not his god-given right to the freedom of speech that's protected by the 1st Amendment of the United States Constitution? NO. STRAIGHT TO ROOM 101 FOR REEDUCATION. FUCK YOU, TJ MILLER. GET AN ADULT'S FIRST NAME, STOP GOING BY "TJ." WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE? WHAT DO YOU DO, RIDE AROUND ON A TRICYCLE, WEARING ONE OF THOSE SPINNY PROPELLER HATS, CARRYING A BIG LOLLIPOP? FIND A REAL FIRST NAME YOU FUCKING DINGUS.

Pokemon Go Fest was this previous weekend, and it turned out exactly how you would imagine the company that made Pokemon Go would handle it.

Jake Paul is also in the news for being a big douchebag. If you're compelled to look up who that is, before you do, don't. You'll thank me later.

The Emoji Movie exists. So that's something, right.


Also, Patreon cancelled someone named Lauren Southern's account, for the crime of threatening, or taking action that could, according to Patreon's terms of service, "potentially cause harm or the loss of life" freedom of speech. I know that usually if you're helping supply money to someone who's using it in potentially dangerous and/or unlawful situations that there's the possibility to become implicated in whatever crime it is that they're committing, but you know, fuck it. Whatever, it's a free country. I'll link to a video of the CEO of Patreon trying to defend his decision, but be warned, his voice is kind of annoying. Not that ours aren't though.

Who the fuck does this guy think he is, telling people about the decisions of a private enterprise that nobody is obligated to use. Hope he's PREPARED TO BE FUCKED BY THE LONG DICK OF THE LAW. THIS WEEK, ON THOUGHT COPS!!!

Thought Cops: Episode 24

July 24, 2017

Fragile masculinity ruins the party once again on this week's episode of THOUGHT COPS. Today, Deputy Russell joins us on Skype all the way from the cyberpunk district of Los Angeles. The smog in L.A. is apparently real bad, which explains all the coughing this episode.

This week on the show, we're talking about female doctors, ketchup on hot dogs, the civil war, and accidental swastikas. Apparently a lot of people online are upset that for the first time in 50 years, British cultural icon and face-shifting television character Doctor Who is now a woman. Even though not all that many people are actually upset about it. That's just statistics though, nobody cares about those. I'm more upset about the fact that there's a large number of derelicts running around calling themselves "Whovians." Absolutely disgusting.

The show runners of Game of Thrones are involved in a new television project about the south winning the Civil War, and that's upsetting a lot of people. Which is great, because nobody really even knows how they're going to handle the subject matter. Oh well.

Heinz ketchup just tried pulling the wool over all of Chicago's eyes with a stupid commercial trying to pass off bottles red tomato sauce as "Chicago dog sauce." Much clever, very trick. You fucking fascists.

The people in this video must've been paid handsomely for that level of believable acting, because Jesus Christ, how could you possibly not know that red, tomatoey sauce is ketchup.

We also cover what is and what isn't a swastika. Here's Philip "Fuck Me Eyes" DeFranco and Tariq Nasheed with an example:

The above picture is totally a swastika. That's exactly what they look like. Oops.

Last but not least, conservative pundit Ann Coulter started a Twitter war with delta airlines, because she's 8 years old. All that and more on this week's episode of THOUGHT COPS.

Thought Cops: Episode 23

July 18, 2017

Welcome back to another episode of Thought Cops. We're still here, and we're bigger than ever. This week we're talking about net neutrality, internet censorship, women with fake hair, Green Day, bigoted boxers, and famed children's music phenomenon "Kid Rock" announces his run for Senate.

But first, we take a giant shit on a rival podcast in preparation for a new segment that might be coming later in the year, "Podtober." Or Podvember. We'll figure it out. Point is, we hope to spend one month firing shots at rival podcasts sometime in the future.

Next up, we talk about net neutrality, a topic neither of us know anything about. The conversation is both compelling and enlightening.

We also talk about internet censorship in other countries. I'd say thank god I don't live in one of those countries, but I bet the pay for Thought Cops is better in China and North Korea.

Last week we missed the opportunity to talk about the sexist dress code Congress has. I say the only dress code they need is one of orange jumpsuits, because Stephan Molyneux told me that taxation is theft. He also told me to leave my parents for putting me in time out when I was younger, except I'm in my mid 20's and don't live at home anymore anyway.

Children's entertainer "Kid Rock" announced he's running for Senate. I think he wrote the song "Fruit Salad, Yummy Yummy." That might be juvenile to joke about, but you fucking picked that name, man. You picked the name "Kid Rock." You can't blame that on anybody else.

Green Day also did a thing that they didn't know wasn't not a thing that shouldn't have been done, but it was done anyway without knowing that it would turn into a P.R. NIGHTMARE. It ended up being a big NOTHING BURGER though.

We hope to be having some bigger guests on the show sometime soon, so please stay tuned. We just have to get Skype figured out and we'll be good to get people all over the world in on the action. In the meantime follow us on Twitter and Facebook, and leave us a review on iTunes.

Thought Cops: Episode 22

July 11, 2017

Welcome to Episode 22 of Thought Cops. On this episode, we talk about stolen patents, Ryan Reynolds, bad governor jokes, and a beached whale in New Jersey.

But first, our very own show's stenographer gives us a special report on an undercover case she went on in cyberpunk hipsterville at an "art" exhibit with a bunch of self-important millennials. Yes, they're real, and they too have podcasts. This is one you're not gonna want to miss.

Sorry the writeups for these episodes have been getting shorter and shorter. We've been really bogged down in paperwork at the precinct. And I'm getting too damn old for this.

Thought Cops: Episode 21

July 5, 2017

Check IDs before you let anyone in the door of a new episode of THOUGHT COPS. Sleepy Cops edition. This week we're once again bogged down by paperwork, so we've begun a take-no prisoners, shoot first and ask questions later approach. Which consists of us going after anyone online who uses the phrase "nothing burger," anyone who uses fidget spinners, people who bother the fuck out of other people online only to proudly display a "blocked user" screenshot, people who use the phrase "the Youtube Community," people who post porn onto Facebook, and the over the top Harry Potter references online. READ ANOTHER BOOK.

Despite the fact that this episode came out late, and it's a little less adherent to the past format we've been using, this might just be the best episode we've done yet. I hope you all think so too. So buckle up motherfuckers, because the Thought Cops are back, baby! They're good again! Awwwooouuuuuuu! (Wolf howl)

Thought Cops: Episode 20

June 28, 2017

Welcome to the Latest Podcast in the world, the only podcast where I post the episode 4 days late. We're backlogged with about 10,000 hours worth of paperwork. We finished it all though, so according to a TED Talk I didn't watch, we're technically experts at paperwork.

This week we talk about wig-wearing reality star Gene Simmons trademarking a sign language word, two idiots I don't know online fighting about online internet things, Buzzfeed creating imaginary wage gaps, and energizing stickers you place in your vagina.

We also introduce a new segment to the show, where we present the Key to the City of the cyberpunk district of Neo-Greektown. This week it's Peter Butera. Nice speech, Peter. Wanna say it in the White House? Here's the video of Peter's heroism.

Thanks for the fake video, CNN. Now back to more paperwork.

Thought Cops: Episode 19

June 19, 2017

Get your outrage license renewed, because it's time for another episode of THOUGHT COPS. On today's episode, we wade deep through the muck of the new Super Colonialist Bros video game, bleeping out D*nald Tr*mp's name on television, and waking Katy Perry up. I use an alarm clock, she uses a haircut and highlights.

This week we're joined by Deputy Henry. Henry is in the studio to plug the concept of a full time job desk job. We also have another call in this week from Undercover Agent Robert, and we once again fucked up his operation by mentioning his name. He's giving us the scoop on Last Man Standing, now on Netflix.

I also read this article from William Hicks off the website HeatStreet, which might be the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I could barely get through it. Check it out.

We also get interrupted about 80 times by different emergency sirens throughout the episode, so you get to listen as my patience wears thinner and thinner. There was probably a hooker war going on outside my window or something.