Thought Cops: Episode 34

October 3, 2017

Welcome to another episode of Thought Cops! This week, we're joined by two of the Shrimp Boys, a comedy troupe from out here in Chicago. Make sure to catch them this Saturday, the 7th at the Lincoln Lodge. Also make sure to follow them on Facebook and Youtube, as well as Luke and David's respective Twitters. Here's a list of upcoming shows by them:

This week they help us tackle Twitter word limits, the ongoing war between Flat Earther B.O.B. and Neil "deGrassi: The Next Generation" Tyson, a crappy letter from a kid to a judge in the Toys 'R' Us bankruptcy case, Mario donkey punching Yoshi in the noggin, Rick and Morty's rabid fan base, whether or not Hugh Hefner was a good or a bad person, Steven Seagal looking like a fucking idiot, George Clooney writing the worst poem ever created, and lest we not forget #taketheknee. Jesus Christ. Spoiler alert, no hot takes this episode. There have been enough hot takes for the week, last thing you need from us is another opinion crammed down your throat about whether or not millionaire athletes are paid enough money to make their own adult decisions about how to conduct themselves. Go watch Fox News if you want that. We, on the other hand, hope to wrangle everybody who has an opinion on the topic up and serve them a hot, steaming cup of justice by the next episode. Better start deleting tweets.

Don't forget to subscribe to us on iTunes, and leave us a nice little review. The more reviews we get, the bigger our audience gets, and the more fan-created content we can feature on the show. Also make sure to subscribe to us on Youtube, you never know when we might start creating some more video content. Thanks, and god bless.

Thought Cops: Episode 33

September 25, 2017

SATIRE WARNING, because it's another episode of THOUGHT COPS! This week, we're joined by the infamous Mark Whitney, reporter for The American Tribune. He speaks to us briefly about the Naruto Run Around Trump Tower Event we were at, a followup event of similar nature that he's planning, and the state of modern satire in general. You can follow him and his work here. Definitely the most noteworthy interview we've done to date, and a lot of interesting things were discussed, so please take a listen.

This episode we also play 4 voicemails we got over the past week. You can leave us a voicemail about the show at 312-788-7361. Make sure to listen past the outtro music this episode.

BUT THIS WEEK: a congressman comes out as a furry. Key and Peele of the hit comedy sketch show "Key and Peele" make a new show about punching Nazis. Sean Spicer shows up at the Emmy's and causes a media ruckus. Piers Morgan thinks white people should be able to say the n-word, which really shouldn't surprise anyone. Plus former Google engineer James Damore thinks people want to join the KKK because being a Grand Wizard "sounds pretty cool."

This week's episode is brought to you by the word "dotard." As in: "covfefe dotard." LOOK IT UP. All this and more in Episode 33 of THOUGHT COPS!

Thought Cops: Episode 32

September 20, 2017

Stifle your gag reflex, because it's episode 32 of Thought Cops! This week, we're joined by Deputy Blake in the hunt against Dan Nainan, the world's oldest millennial. He's struck again. He can't keep getting away with this.

If you haven't seen it yet, here's our video of the Naruto Run Around Trump Tower:

This week, we go after the internet's public enemy #1: Pewdiepie. He said the n-word during a video game and then made CNN talk about it.

Here's his apology:

We talk at length about a shitty Huffington Post article about a man who breaks up with the city of Chicago. You can read it in all its monstrosity here. It's one of the worst things I've ever read, and I've made it all the way through Finnegan's Wake.

Key to the City this week goes to this little girl:

Also this week, Ted Cruz likes a porn tweet, Mario has nipples, and Jim Carrey says nothing is anything. Don't forget to call and leave us a voicemail at (312)788-7361 and subscribe to our subreddit.

Thought Cops: Episode 31

September 11, 2017

Set your difficulty level to "white person," because it's another episode of THOUGHT COPS. This week, we're joined by Deputy Michael of L.A.'s Desert District to take on thought criminals such as Rush Limbaugh, Toni Basil, Nintendo, and a couple of 90's cartoons that all made the fatal mistake of upsetting people on the internet.

Michael has a short film that's been making the rounds at various film festivals. You can watch it here:

You can also check out his website,

We also have a new voicemail number, (312)788-7361. Call us, leave a voicemail about what's outraging you online, and feel free to toss in your own sentences if you want.

First up this week, we have Rush Limbaugh telling people that Hurricane Irma is a liberal conspiracy, then slithering away into a silent evacuation of his own. If this surprises anyone, you haven't been alive for very long.

Kimberly Paige is in some heat in her race to become the next mayor of Charlotte, North Carolina. Apparently it's mot acceptable to list "White" as a qualification. So much for the tolerant left.

Everybody's favorite Italian plumber is no longer so, as Nintendo describes Mario's list of former jobs as being a plumber. I guess going in and out of drainage pipes, swimming in shit is just a hobby.

The Powerpuff girls added a new girl, and people are angry. South Park's new video game darkens your character's skin depending on the difficulty level you set, and people are upset. Toni Basil sues people for using the word M*ckey. Twin Peaks ends and people don't know what to think. All that and more on this week's THOUGHT COPS!

Thought Cops: Episode 30

September 5, 2017

Sup ninjas, welcome to Episode 30 of Thought Cops! This week, we venture deep into the Konoha District of Neo Chicago to witness the local shinobi take part in what's known as "Naruto Run Around Trump Tower." No, I'm not kidding.

We used this opportunity to go to what I might have mistakenly called in this episode "the most intelligent protest I've ever witnessed," with the intention of asking questions on video for a remote segment. Video is hopefully coming soon. Anyway, here are some pictures from the "protest."

The night was filled with cries of "Not my Hokage," "Donald Trump hates anime," and "Free Anthony," the latter of which was an ode to the Karate Kid who got arrested to running in the street like a goddamn goobus. #freeanthony

Again, we have video of all of this so wait about a week or so for it to come out.

The Naruto Run Around Trump Tower seemed to overshadow the fact that we hit over 1000 downloads this episode. Thanks for listening.

But this week, we also had a whole host of other things to get into. Joel Osteen, man of money, believer in the Federal Reserve, doucher of bags, is waist-deep in shit this week for not letting people waist-deep in flood water come into his GIANT BASKETBALL STADIUM. Is the internet outrage on the show this time finally justified? What do I look like, a cop???

There's also a whirlwind of controversy spiraling around Ann Coulter for making a joke about the hurricane happening because of Houston's lesbian mayor. Here's a picture of her:

[caption id="attachment_466" align="aligncenter" width="300"]Wikimedia[/caption]

I can't say I'm fully convinced. Perhaps Ann meant a previous mayor, but what do I look like, a librarian?

Rounding out the hurricane trifecta, we have the "this is how it ought to be, despite what your gender studies professor says" meme, hot off the press. To be honest though, I'm too tired to explain it, so just read this article on it. They need the hits.

In other news, the VMAs happened but I didn't watch them. Sargon of Akkad was banned from Twitter but I don't know who that is. A censorship-free alternative to Youtube called "Pewtube" goes viral for censoring videos on Communism, but nobody's heard of it before. And an all female reboot of Lord of the Flies is happening in Hollywood, but I didn't read that book because I broke my glasses. If you don't understand that joke, you haven't read Lord of the Flies. Go read it, you filthy fucking uncultured swine. And don't leave without listening to this week's episode of THOUGHT COPS!!!

Thought Cops: Episode 29

August 29, 2017

Opa. Welcome to Episode 29 of Thought Cops. Deputy Robbie of the Dirty Nines joins us in the race to 1000 downloads this week, as we cover net neutrality, the resurrection of Civil War general and sportscaster Robert Lee, Alex Jones gets attacked by a globalist, Joss Whedon and James Cameron's exclusive hot takes on feminism, and MTV's out of this world take on gender non-conformity.

First, we talk about the Kleins of H3H3 and their historic, landmark case in the fight for fair use of media against a man who's the physical embodiment of Gumby. Here's a video of them talking about it:

Also, Amy Schumer demanded Netflix pay her more money because of how much Chappelle and Chris Rock got paid, but also she didn't. So I don't know how to make sense of that.

This week, ESPN banned Robert Lee from announcing a sports game in Virginia. Uh oh, hot dog. Make sure the next time you go into Starbucks that you tell your barista that your name is Hashtag Robert Lee.

I hope that's how you spell "Hashtag Robert Lee."

Speaking of coffee, a few weeks ago Alex Jones had hot coffee thrown in his face by a paid actor. Speaking of actors, a quick retraction of a thing I mentioned in this week's episode, the guy who got stabbed for having a "nazi haircut" actually just stabbed himself. Go fuck yourself, guy. You can't pull one over on the Thought Cops.

Joss Whedon's fan site "Whedonesque" shut down this week, after his ex-wife called him a "fake feminist." He's also a fake greek god.


Here's Bill O'Reilly visiting Chinatown.

Whatever happened to that guy?

Here's a picture of Lance Bass, one of MTV's newest Moon People.

[caption id="attachment_455" align="aligncenter" width="200"]Wikimedia[/caption]

James Cameron said some stuff about Wonder Woman, but I forgot what. Anyway, here's the Titanic review Red Letter Media did that I mentioned during the episode.

Finally, here's the Titanic song we referenced in the episode that was featured numerous times on the defunct podcast "The Biggest Problem in the Universe."

Thought Cops: Episode 28

August 21, 2017

Hold onto your medium sized waffle cones, because you're listening to episode 28 of Thought Cops! This week we're joined once again by Deputy Russell from the Cyberpunk Hallel District of L.A., formerly of the Antebellum District of Mississippi. He's on this week as a representative of the entirety of the south, so get out your pitchforks and tiki torches. Just kidding. The conversation we have about growing up in the south, living in a present that's not too far removed from the history most of us only seem to read about, and breaking down a lot of presuppositions about the culture and what's really fueling the seemingly sudden rise of white supremacy in the country, is probably the most interesting content we've had to date. So make sure not to miss this one.

Here's the clip of the movie "Whore" I referenced in the episode:

See, it does exist, you fucks.

Here's the tweet sent out by Donald Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen, proving he's not racist by showing us that he has black friends.

When asked about this bizarre tweet in an interview, he had this to say:

We also talk about Pewdiepie distancing himself from Neo-Nazis by refusing to make anymore Nazi jokes, and Macklemore distancing himself from white supremacists by... getting a haircut. He went from looking like a Hitler Youth, to a skinhead. Oops. There's no pleasing some people I guess.

Feel free to drop us a comment, send us a tweet, follow us on Facebook, or leave us a review on iTunes.

Thought Cops: Episode 27

August 15, 2017

Lube up your gloves, because it's another episode of Thought Cops! This week, we're once again joined by Deputy Ron of Big Sword Panel, to talk about reclaiming swastikas, fake Twitter conversations, curvy wives, fisting the New York Times, red-pilled grandpas, and manifestos.

KA Designs came under fire this week for trying to make the swastika cool again. Needless to say, it didn't happen. You can read some fake news on it here.

Then again, what news can you trust anymore? None of it, apparently. That's the lesson we're supposed to learn on Twitter this week, because as sexual assault allegations fly around the gaming community, one brave Twitter user took it into her hands to show you can't trust everything you see, by making a fake DM conversation, and ruining someone's reputation in the process just in case. You can't make an omelette without doxxing a few eggs, right?

Its hard not to be cynical in this day and age, with so much rampant negativity in the news. Right? Wrong! One Instagram user took it into his own hands to show that true love exists in all shapes and sizes, namely, the shape and size of his big, curvy wife. He loves her no matter what. And he goes to great lengths to prove this to as many people as he can, as many times as he can, and no amount of publicity is going to stop him! Here's some more fake news on it.

Oh yeah, fisting. The New York Times may soon be experiencing that unique feeling of a middle-aged conservative woman's fist in their ass, if the threat is meant to be read literally. Cause it sure as hell sounds like it. I hope you took your red pills this morning because this one's gonna hurt.

And despite anything that exiled google employee James Damore has to say about women, one fictional woman just shattered the glass ceiling- all the way into outer space! And that's why this week, Harry Potter- I mean, Princess Leia from Star Wars gets the key to the city!

Never trust your fists, only the Thought Cops can help you.

Thought Cops: Episode 26

August 9, 2017

Get the fuck off your parent's insurance, because it's Episode 26 of THOUGHT COPS. This week we're joined once again by our show's Stenographer to talk about Chicago's most notorious outrage victim, Jordan Peterson getting his Youtube taken down and then put back up, tan-skinned people of unassumed ethnic origin disrespecting American monuments, Earthworm Jim's creator misgendering journalists, a very special Veggie Tales story, a video games, and finally, a crazy lady gets her tires smashed and you need to know all about it.

First, a bit of redemption for Chicago's prehistoric outrage victim, Steve Bartman. You may remember back in 2004 when this happened:

Well now he's come to the end of his series arc, because the Cubs have decided to give him a World Series Ring. You can both give Carlos Slim more money and read all about it by clicking here.

Next we have the story of a disgusting family that crossed a border, came here, and disrespected the land that they lived off of.

Except it turns out that the border they crossed, and the land that they "lived off of" were probably not exactly what you were thinking of.


In other news, Jordan Peterson got his Youtube taken down but then got it back. So, yeah. I don't know. Next.

Earthworm Jim's creator is in some hot water for misgendering a Gaming-American journalist online. The ironic part is that somebody also confused Earthworm Jim's creator for someone that anybody should give a fuck about.

This episode we also delve deeper into the origin story of Officer Kevin. Turns out he was the sole inspiration for the character "Kevin" in 321 Penguins. You know, the stupid one.

We also give the Key to the City this week to whatever genius drew this picture:


Thought Cops: Episode 25

August 1, 2017

Welcome to Episode 25 of Thought Cops! This week, we run out of things to talk about and end up auditorily describing different memes. I'm not kidding. Just a few weeks ago we criticized a rival podcast for being unlistenable, but it didn't hit too long for us to hit that same point. Next episode we might start talking about our horoscopes. Load up 21 times, because I'm getting too dayumn old for this.

This week we take down all the people that are ruining America, which is everybody. But more specifically, Trent Reznor, The Emoji Movie, TJ Miller, Pokemon Go, Nintendo, and Patreon. And all this time you thought it was Communism.

Should Trent Reznor be able to voice criticism, no matter how abrasive, against the leader of the free world? No. Straight to Room 101 for reeducation. Good thing we got that out of the way. Next.

Should TJ Miller be able to say that women aren't funny, and though we might find offense in the sentiment and disagree to varying levels, is that not his god-given right to the freedom of speech that's protected by the 1st Amendment of the United States Constitution? NO. STRAIGHT TO ROOM 101 FOR REEDUCATION. FUCK YOU, TJ MILLER. GET AN ADULT'S FIRST NAME, STOP GOING BY "TJ." WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE? WHAT DO YOU DO, RIDE AROUND ON A TRICYCLE, WEARING ONE OF THOSE SPINNY PROPELLER HATS, CARRYING A BIG LOLLIPOP? FIND A REAL FIRST NAME YOU FUCKING DINGUS.

Pokemon Go Fest was this previous weekend, and it turned out exactly how you would imagine the company that made Pokemon Go would handle it.

Jake Paul is also in the news for being a big douchebag. If you're compelled to look up who that is, before you do, don't. You'll thank me later.

The Emoji Movie exists. So that's something, right.


Also, Patreon cancelled someone named Lauren Southern's account, for the crime of threatening, or taking action that could, according to Patreon's terms of service, "potentially cause harm or the loss of life" freedom of speech. I know that usually if you're helping supply money to someone who's using it in potentially dangerous and/or unlawful situations that there's the possibility to become implicated in whatever crime it is that they're committing, but you know, fuck it. Whatever, it's a free country. I'll link to a video of the CEO of Patreon trying to defend his decision, but be warned, his voice is kind of annoying. Not that ours aren't though.

Who the fuck does this guy think he is, telling people about the decisions of a private enterprise that nobody is obligated to use. Hope he's PREPARED TO BE FUCKED BY THE LONG DICK OF THE LAW. THIS WEEK, ON THOUGHT COPS!!!