Thought Cops: Episode 26

August 9, 2017

Get the fuck off your parent's insurance, because it's Episode 26 of THOUGHT COPS. This week we're joined once again by our show's Stenographer to talk about Chicago's most notorious outrage victim, Jordan Peterson getting his Youtube taken down and then put back up, tan-skinned people of unassumed ethnic origin disrespecting American monuments, Earthworm Jim's creator misgendering journalists, a very special Veggie Tales story, a video games, and finally, a crazy lady gets her tires smashed and you need to know all about it.

First, a bit of redemption for Chicago's prehistoric outrage victim, Steve Bartman. You may remember back in 2004 when this happened:

Well now he's come to the end of his series arc, because the Cubs have decided to give him a World Series Ring. You can both give Carlos Slim more money and read all about it by clicking here.

Next we have the story of a disgusting family that crossed a border, came here, and disrespected the land that they lived off of.

Except it turns out that the border they crossed, and the land that they "lived off of" were probably not exactly what you were thinking of.


In other news, Jordan Peterson got his Youtube taken down but then got it back. So, yeah. I don't know. Next.

Earthworm Jim's creator is in some hot water for misgendering a Gaming-American journalist online. The ironic part is that somebody also confused Earthworm Jim's creator for someone that anybody should give a fuck about.

This episode we also delve deeper into the origin story of Officer Kevin. Turns out he was the sole inspiration for the character "Kevin" in 321 Penguins. You know, the stupid one.

We also give the Key to the City this week to whatever genius drew this picture:


Thought Cops: Episode 25

August 1, 2017

Welcome to Episode 25 of Thought Cops! This week, we run out of things to talk about and end up auditorily describing different memes. I'm not kidding. Just a few weeks ago we criticized a rival podcast for being unlistenable, but it didn't hit too long for us to hit that same point. Next episode we might start talking about our horoscopes. Load up 21 times, because I'm getting too dayumn old for this.

This week we take down all the people that are ruining America, which is everybody. But more specifically, Trent Reznor, The Emoji Movie, TJ Miller, Pokemon Go, Nintendo, and Patreon. And all this time you thought it was Communism.

Should Trent Reznor be able to voice criticism, no matter how abrasive, against the leader of the free world? No. Straight to Room 101 for reeducation. Good thing we got that out of the way. Next.

Should TJ Miller be able to say that women aren't funny, and though we might find offense in the sentiment and disagree to varying levels, is that not his god-given right to the freedom of speech that's protected by the 1st Amendment of the United States Constitution? NO. STRAIGHT TO ROOM 101 FOR REEDUCATION. FUCK YOU, TJ MILLER. GET AN ADULT'S FIRST NAME, STOP GOING BY "TJ." WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE? WHAT DO YOU DO, RIDE AROUND ON A TRICYCLE, WEARING ONE OF THOSE SPINNY PROPELLER HATS, CARRYING A BIG LOLLIPOP? FIND A REAL FIRST NAME YOU FUCKING DINGUS.

Pokemon Go Fest was this previous weekend, and it turned out exactly how you would imagine the company that made Pokemon Go would handle it.

Jake Paul is also in the news for being a big douchebag. If you're compelled to look up who that is, before you do, don't. You'll thank me later.

The Emoji Movie exists. So that's something, right.


Also, Patreon cancelled someone named Lauren Southern's account, for the crime of threatening, or taking action that could, according to Patreon's terms of service, "potentially cause harm or the loss of life" freedom of speech. I know that usually if you're helping supply money to someone who's using it in potentially dangerous and/or unlawful situations that there's the possibility to become implicated in whatever crime it is that they're committing, but you know, fuck it. Whatever, it's a free country. I'll link to a video of the CEO of Patreon trying to defend his decision, but be warned, his voice is kind of annoying. Not that ours aren't though.

Who the fuck does this guy think he is, telling people about the decisions of a private enterprise that nobody is obligated to use. Hope he's PREPARED TO BE FUCKED BY THE LONG DICK OF THE LAW. THIS WEEK, ON THOUGHT COPS!!!

Thought Cops: Episode 24

July 24, 2017

Fragile masculinity ruins the party once again on this week's episode of THOUGHT COPS. Today, Deputy Russell joins us on Skype all the way from the cyberpunk district of Los Angeles. The smog in L.A. is apparently real bad, which explains all the coughing this episode.

This week on the show, we're talking about female doctors, ketchup on hot dogs, the civil war, and accidental swastikas. Apparently a lot of people online are upset that for the first time in 50 years, British cultural icon and face-shifting television character Doctor Who is now a woman. Even though not all that many people are actually upset about it. That's just statistics though, nobody cares about those. I'm more upset about the fact that there's a large number of derelicts running around calling themselves "Whovians." Absolutely disgusting.

The show runners of Game of Thrones are involved in a new television project about the south winning the Civil War, and that's upsetting a lot of people. Which is great, because nobody really even knows how they're going to handle the subject matter. Oh well.

Heinz ketchup just tried pulling the wool over all of Chicago's eyes with a stupid commercial trying to pass off bottles red tomato sauce as "Chicago dog sauce." Much clever, very trick. You fucking fascists.

The people in this video must've been paid handsomely for that level of believable acting, because Jesus Christ, how could you possibly not know that red, tomatoey sauce is ketchup.

We also cover what is and what isn't a swastika. Here's Philip "Fuck Me Eyes" DeFranco and Tariq Nasheed with an example:

The above picture is totally a swastika. That's exactly what they look like. Oops.

Last but not least, conservative pundit Ann Coulter started a Twitter war with delta airlines, because she's 8 years old. All that and more on this week's episode of THOUGHT COPS.

Thought Cops: Episode 23

July 18, 2017

Welcome back to another episode of Thought Cops. We're still here, and we're bigger than ever. This week we're talking about net neutrality, internet censorship, women with fake hair, Green Day, bigoted boxers, and famed children's music phenomenon "Kid Rock" announces his run for Senate.

But first, we take a giant shit on a rival podcast in preparation for a new segment that might be coming later in the year, "Podtober." Or Podvember. We'll figure it out. Point is, we hope to spend one month firing shots at rival podcasts sometime in the future.

Next up, we talk about net neutrality, a topic neither of us know anything about. The conversation is both compelling and enlightening.

We also talk about internet censorship in other countries. I'd say thank god I don't live in one of those countries, but I bet the pay for Thought Cops is better in China and North Korea.

Last week we missed the opportunity to talk about the sexist dress code Congress has. I say the only dress code they need is one of orange jumpsuits, because Stephan Molyneux told me that taxation is theft. He also told me to leave my parents for putting me in time out when I was younger, except I'm in my mid 20's and don't live at home anymore anyway.

Children's entertainer "Kid Rock" announced he's running for Senate. I think he wrote the song "Fruit Salad, Yummy Yummy." That might be juvenile to joke about, but you fucking picked that name, man. You picked the name "Kid Rock." You can't blame that on anybody else.

Green Day also did a thing that they didn't know wasn't not a thing that shouldn't have been done, but it was done anyway without knowing that it would turn into a P.R. NIGHTMARE. It ended up being a big NOTHING BURGER though.

We hope to be having some bigger guests on the show sometime soon, so please stay tuned. We just have to get Skype figured out and we'll be good to get people all over the world in on the action. In the meantime follow us on Twitter and Facebook, and leave us a review on iTunes.

Thought Cops: Episode 22

July 11, 2017

Welcome to Episode 22 of Thought Cops. On this episode, we talk about stolen patents, Ryan Reynolds, bad governor jokes, and a beached whale in New Jersey.

But first, our very own show's stenographer gives us a special report on an undercover case she went on in cyberpunk hipsterville at an "art" exhibit with a bunch of self-important millennials. Yes, they're real, and they too have podcasts. This is one you're not gonna want to miss.

Sorry the writeups for these episodes have been getting shorter and shorter. We've been really bogged down in paperwork at the precinct. And I'm getting too damn old for this.

Thought Cops: Episode 21

July 5, 2017

Check IDs before you let anyone in the door of a new episode of THOUGHT COPS. Sleepy Cops edition. This week we're once again bogged down by paperwork, so we've begun a take-no prisoners, shoot first and ask questions later approach. Which consists of us going after anyone online who uses the phrase "nothing burger," anyone who uses fidget spinners, people who bother the fuck out of other people online only to proudly display a "blocked user" screenshot, people who use the phrase "the Youtube Community," people who post porn onto Facebook, and the over the top Harry Potter references online. READ ANOTHER BOOK.

Despite the fact that this episode came out late, and it's a little less adherent to the past format we've been using, this might just be the best episode we've done yet. I hope you all think so too. So buckle up motherfuckers, because the Thought Cops are back, baby! They're good again! Awwwooouuuuuuu! (Wolf howl)

Thought Cops: Episode 20

June 28, 2017

Welcome to the Latest Podcast in the world, the only podcast where I post the episode 4 days late. We're backlogged with about 10,000 hours worth of paperwork. We finished it all though, so according to a TED Talk I didn't watch, we're technically experts at paperwork.

This week we talk about wig-wearing reality star Gene Simmons trademarking a sign language word, two idiots I don't know online fighting about online internet things, Buzzfeed creating imaginary wage gaps, and energizing stickers you place in your vagina.

We also introduce a new segment to the show, where we present the Key to the City of the cyberpunk district of Neo-Greektown. This week it's Peter Butera. Nice speech, Peter. Wanna say it in the White House? Here's the video of Peter's heroism.

Thanks for the fake video, CNN. Now back to more paperwork.

Thought Cops: Episode 19

June 19, 2017

Get your outrage license renewed, because it's time for another episode of THOUGHT COPS. On today's episode, we wade deep through the muck of the new Super Colonialist Bros video game, bleeping out D*nald Tr*mp's name on television, and waking Katy Perry up. I use an alarm clock, she uses a haircut and highlights.

This week we're joined by Deputy Henry. Henry is in the studio to plug the concept of a full time job desk job. We also have another call in this week from Undercover Agent Robert, and we once again fucked up his operation by mentioning his name. He's giving us the scoop on Last Man Standing, now on Netflix.

I also read this article from William Hicks off the website HeatStreet, which might be the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I could barely get through it. Check it out.

We also get interrupted about 80 times by different emergency sirens throughout the episode, so you get to listen as my patience wears thinner and thinner. There was probably a hooker war going on outside my window or something.

Thought Cops: Episode 18

June 11, 2017

Slip a rubber on, because Thought Cops just turned 18! That's right, it's another episode of your favorite outrage show. Episode 18. And because our parents didn't buy us a Ferrari for our 16th birthday, we're getting revenge on them by exposing ourselves to the world.

This episode we're joined once again from BFTD Deputy Doug. Doug's got a project he's working on, BUT IT'S NOT DONE YET. So hold on for a bit longer.

This week we talk about comedians and public officials using the n-word, fake protests, pottymouth CNN hosts, pills of all different colors, and tentacle porn. I also talk about how I fucked up when I appeared on another podcast.

Life's been hectic for all of us, but the show's been getting better and better each week. We're considering a possible sponsorship option that's located in Chicago that might help us out with a couple of expenses. It would be great to be able to cover hosting costs, as well as other show necessities such as a third pop filter so I don't BBBBlow PPPeoPPPle's FFFFucking ears out each SSSentenCCCe. So we'll keep you all updated on that. We also want to get a wider variety of guests on, so if you know any comedians, artists, filmmakers, or anybody creative in Chicago, send them our way.

We also pitch our first show contest: a Tim Allen photoshop battle. Best photoshop of Tim Allen wins a 6 pack of Fat Tires from me and a kiss on the mouth from Officer Kevin. Sorry, those are the rules. We're actually serious with this, please send us photoshopped pictures of Tim Allen. I'll actually buy you a 6 pack.

Weewoo weewoo thanks for listening.

Thought Cops: Episode 17

June 5, 2017

Buckle up your seat belts, because it's time for another episode of Thought Cops. This week we're joined by our own show's stenographer, to talk about all of last week's online outrage. What has she been stenographizing? Who knows! Eventually we might get some transcripts for these episodes though.

But this week, we're discussing the big ugly unfunny red-haired elephant in the room: Kathy Griffin. I'd say this was a sort of "fall from grace" for Griffin, but her "grace" seems to be neither here nor there. Did Griffin cross a line? Was this warranted? Better question is, now that this happened a number of days ago, is anyone even still thinking about this?

We also talk about the most exciting thing to ever happen in baseball:

Apparently this outraged a bunch of people, but let's be honest: all those people are fucking idiots. This is the coolest picture I've ever seen. I'm putting this on my fridge, as my Facebook profile picture, and making my girlfriend wear a bag on her head with this picture stapled to it.

We also talk about racist stereotypes in Nintendo games, the de-feminization of Kimmy Schmidt, and Chloe Grace Moretz fat shaming people with a poster she made. We also debut a new bit, Internet Headlines, as well as the return of the fan favorite bit Trump Tweets. So go ahead and check it out, subscribe, and tell your friends.