Thought Cops: Episode 43

December 5, 2017

Welcome to Episode 43 of Thought Cops! This week, we're joined by Deputy Tyler Russo. He's the creator of the hyper-realistic turtle dicks in this video from The Onion, as well as the auteur of this Youtube channel and this Vimeo channel.

This episode, we talk about the disgusting phrase "creatives" that idiots use to describe themselves to make themselves sound interesting. We sentence all those people to lobotomies. We also talk about Marvel's new editor-in-chief who on occasion uses the Japanese pseudonym Akira Yoshida. Spoiler alert: he's not Japanese, but he's now going to be. Forever.

We also talk about Matt Lauer and his list of Christmas gifts you DON'T want to receive this season.

We also bring in repeat offender Lucian B. Wintrich again, who is definitely a real person. It may be okay to be white, but it's not okay to wear a fucking bow tie in 2017 you nerd.

Here's the Nazi-next-door story the New York Times ran recently. Here's my favorite poem about the New York Times:

We also talk about Rotten Tomatoes overrating the movie Lady Bird and hashtag Elsagate.

As always, subscribe on iTunes and leave us a voicemail at 312-788-7361.

Thought Cops: Episode 42

November 28, 2017

Welcome to episode 42 of Thought Cops, aka episode 1 of Comcast Cops. This week, we're joined once again by Deputy Robbie of The Dirty Nines and formerly of the FCC to talk about Net Neutrality. Basically everyone's fucked, so we're all looking for jobs at Comcast deleting websites for them.

The rest of the episode, we talk about Starbucks' ongoing War on Christmas, the Lena Dunham apology generator, and Post Malone's apology for saying hip hop doesn't have emotional range. Or whatever. Jesus Christ, you people are petty.

Make sure to drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361 accusing Officer Kevin of intentionally plagiarizing lines from 1996's Matilda. Also make sure to leave us a review on iTunes. Thanks kindly.

Thought Cops: Episode 41

November 20, 2017

Welcome to Episode 41 of Thought Cops, aka the autofellatio episode. We're once again joined by Deputy Michael of, and creator of Greg Loves a Human.

This episode, we start off by changing up the show's format a little by sentencing thought crimes as they happen, as opposed to the week after. It's a minor change, but the show should hopefully be a little more streamlined and a little less top-heavy.

Officer Kevin was also on the fellow Chicagoan podcast Booze Before Noon this week. I don't think the episode has dropped yet, but check it out when it does.

But anyway, this week in the news: Conservatives destroy their Keurig coffee makers because they love the environment.

Baked Alaska gets banned from Twitter and spends 9 hours in an In-N-Out complaining to its otherwise helpless patrons. Seriously, look at the time on that video.


In other Twitter news, Twitter took the blue checkmark away from several white supremacists on the platform, which is basically the equivalent of the second Holocaust to a group who somehow isn't sure whether or not there was a first the Holocaust.

Rounding out the Twitfecta, @dril's identity has been exposed. Turns out it actually was Jack Nicholson this whole time. If you don't understand that joke, please Google @dril.

There's a documentary coming out soon about whether or not Apu from the Simpsons is a problematic stereotype. Like all other documentaries that come out, I plan on not watching it.

Blake Shelton was voted People Magazine's sexiest man alive, and we all agree that the award should've gone to Ichigo from Bleach. I guess there's no tolerance for anime in Trump's America.

Finally, New York Mayor Bill DeBlasio's press secretary was caught saying that Chicago pizza is better than New York pizza. Problem solved I guess, now we no longer have to debate this. You can all go back to your families now, the war's over.

Don't forget to drop us a review on iTunes, and drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361.

Thought Cops: Episode 40

November 15, 2017

Welcome, to Thought Cop's official kickoff of No-Fap November! Gargle as much ranch as you can fit in a five liter keg with Mark Whitney and Deputy Alberto as we take down Jim Beam, Facebook's nude collection, Fox and Friends, a $400 Antifa Jacket, Larry David, and yes, Louis C.K.

Oh yeah, and spoiler alert, this:

Make sure to subscribe to us on iTunes and follow us on Twitter. Also, drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361.

Thought Cops: Episode 39

November 7, 2017

Welcome to episode 39 of Thought Cops. This week, America finally gets what it wants as Donald J. Trump is banned from Twitter for an entire 11 minutes. Suck it, libs.

We're joined this week by Deputy Danny Boy. You may have heard of him.

Turns out Papa John's is the new official pizza of the alt-right, but let's be honest, who didn't see that one coming. Better toss on your MAGA hat, velcro up your New Balances, don a white polo, and walk your pet frog on down to one of the worst pizza franchises that exist in America.

Snoop Doggy Dogg, as my parents used to call him before they were my parents, is in a bit of hot water this week, as it wasn't enough for him to shoot Donald McDonald the fake president, but had the audacity to identify his corpse at the morgue and then make that his album cover.

Kevin Spacey, as it turns out, might not only be an alleged pedophile, but could also be the first man to choose to be gay. I, like many mainstream news media outlets, can't decide on what's the bigger story.

Betsy Devos dressed up as Ms. Frizzle from the popular manga The Magic School Bus this past Halloween, and people who can't get a grip on their own lives are outraged about it. How dare she dress up as a person that doesn't exist on a holiday that adults have all decided to take way too seriously all of a sudden.

Also, turns out Osama Bin Laden was a weeaboo. So I guess that's a thing.

All that and more on this episode of THOUGHT COPS!

Thought Cops: Episode 38

October 30, 2017

BOO. Welcome to episode 38 of Thought Cops! For our Halloween Spooktacular episode, we're joined by our Stenographer to take down such criminals as children wearing Moana costumes, Woody Allen, George HW Bush, and Kellogg's Corn Pops. Because people apparently still buy Corn Pops.

Here's the Andrew WK video I mention at the beginning of the episode:

It's the only good thing he's ever done.

This week we also learn the word "Daft Twerp" from Winston Churchill's grandson, who called the President that. He might as well step down now, because he's been epically pwned.

Don't forget to drop us a voicemail at 312-788-7361, subscribe to us on iTunes, and follow us on Twitter.

Thought Cops: Episode 37

October 25, 2017

Welcome to Episode 37 of the critically acclaimed podcast Thought Cops! Voted best podcast. At least top 10. This week, we're joined once again by Deputy Russell of newly created podcast Surf Party USA. We'll link to it when it's created.

This week we take down the thought criminals of the week, such as David Cross, Chapo Trap House, Megan Kelly, the Boy Scouts, Mike Ditka, Fake Melania, a group of college republicans wearing diapers to own libs, and Santa's gay black husband. No, I didn't make up that last one. I'm sure we'll have to bring that one back up closer to the War on Christmas.

Here's the video of Megan Kelly dancing for ratings.

Like always, subscribe and rate us on iTunes, call our voicemail at 312-788-7361, and follow us on Twitter for all the spiciest bants.

Thought Cops: Episode 36

October 17, 2017

Welcome Dad-bods, Mansplainers, and ladies, to another episode of Thought Cops! It’s a crossover episode this week as stand-up comedian and follow podcaster Brett Mercer of Big Time Garbage joins us in the battle for a good Skype connection. Make sure to check em out.

“Future Prez” Zuckerberg (yes, president abbreviated with a Z, yes, it is mandatory) saves the planet by speaking directly from the epicenter of the Puerto Rico crisis using a fucking Mii from Wii Sports.

Here’s that weird Lindsey Lohan video we mention in the episode:

I'd link the original video, but it's been deleted, so, sorry for linking you to The Young Turks. My mistake.

Geniuses across the country cause mass temper tantrums trying to get a small box filled with ketchup and teriyaki sauce. What could it be?! You’ll have to listen to find out!

Dove fucks up, Hollywood fucks up, lots of people fuck up. But with great fuck ups, come great responsibilities. Or something like that.

Don’t forget, you’re part of the show, too! Call us at our voicemail 312-788-7361 with any stories or punishments you want the world to know about, and we’ll play it on the show! Seriously! Also don't forget to subscribe to us on iTunes!

Thought Cops: Episode 35

October 10, 2017

Welcome to Thought Cops, fellow cartoon characters. This week, we're joined by our show's own Stenographer, as well as the notorious Deputy Sleepytime. You know, from the voicemails. They're here to help us dig through the disgusting pile of sludge that is modern day social media, to help investigate the most heinous of outrage-inducing news stories.

Here's the Milo exposé Buzzfeed released this week that I mentioned. It's like a billion pages so don't bother reading it all, just take our words for it.

Here's the only news headline that makes sense to me anymore: "Rocket Man and Dotard Go Bonkers in Toontown." Yes, that's real. Yes, it's the Washington Post.

Here's the Papyrus video from SNL:

Plus the guy who created the font "speaking out" about the video. Kill me.

We also mentioned Anthony Fantano this episode, and the "alt-right meme" channel he supposedly had. Considering we recorded this Friday, and are posting it Tuesday night, we didn't have the chance to fit in this update. We'll cover it next episode.

We also have a story on semen flutes, a 40 year old Nazi-killing videogame series that's somehow controversial nowadays, the death of AOL Instant Messenger, Cam Newton thinks women talking about sports-ball is amusing, and the Monopoly Man willed himself into existence to protest Equifax.

Like always, make sure to subscribe to us on iTunes or Google Play. Give us a call at 312-788-7361 (312-PENGUINS) and let us know what's outraging you on the internet this week. Thoughts and prayers.

Thought Cops: Episode 34

October 3, 2017

Welcome to another episode of Thought Cops! This week, we're joined by two of the Shrimp Boys, a comedy troupe from out here in Chicago. Make sure to catch them this Saturday, the 7th at the Lincoln Lodge. Also make sure to follow them on Facebook and Youtube, as well as Luke and David's respective Twitters. Here's a list of upcoming shows by them:

This week they help us tackle Twitter word limits, the ongoing war between Flat Earther B.O.B. and Neil "deGrassi: The Next Generation" Tyson, a crappy letter from a kid to a judge in the Toys 'R' Us bankruptcy case, Mario donkey punching Yoshi in the noggin, Rick and Morty's rabid fan base, whether or not Hugh Hefner was a good or a bad person, Steven Seagal looking like a fucking idiot, George Clooney writing the worst poem ever created, and lest we not forget #taketheknee. Jesus Christ. Spoiler alert, no hot takes this episode. There have been enough hot takes for the week, last thing you need from us is another opinion crammed down your throat about whether or not millionaire athletes are paid enough money to make their own adult decisions about how to conduct themselves. Go watch Fox News if you want that. We, on the other hand, hope to wrangle everybody who has an opinion on the topic up and serve them a hot, steaming cup of justice by the next episode. Better start deleting tweets.

Don't forget to subscribe to us on iTunes, and leave us a nice little review. The more reviews we get, the bigger our audience gets, and the more fan-created content we can feature on the show. Also make sure to subscribe to us on Youtube, you never know when we might start creating some more video content. Thanks, and god bless.