Thought Cops

Case File 11

Hold onto your 2017's ladies and gentlemen, because we're going in: it's yet another episode of Thought Cops. This week we've crossed the 100 download barrier, almost doubling our downloads from when we got our podcast up on iTunes.

This week we cover the war happening between the Alt-Right and the Antifa that's occurring on the three different planes of existence: the physical plane, the ideological plane, and the, uh, third plane. If I'm forced to pick a side in this battle between the political extremities, I'll Gary Johnson my way straight into cultural irrelevancy via complete ignorance, and yet I'll STILL get blamed for one side winning or losing. Shove THAT bottle of Pepsi up your ass.

This episode we also discover the antidote for cultural appropriation: drawing strict red lines along racial divides and not letting anybody cross them. Apparently McDonald's wanting to capitalize on the revival of a $15,000 dipping sauce is one of these red lines. Apparently Disney's reductionist views of culture surrounding old folklore and fairy tales and turning them into 30 minute, brightly colored, family-friendly singalongs devoid of any actual meaningful representations of the original content is only problematic when it's being consumed by grown-ass adults that use phrases like "low-key" and "literally." When I eventually have kids that I punch for Youtube ad revenue, I'll make sure they watch 5 hour long History Channel documentaries about Hua Mulan instead of dumb cartoon musicals. And when I take them to McDonald's, I'll make sure they eat only the authentic White people corn syrup-based dipping sauces, such as bottled water.

Speaking of (allegedly) punching kids for ad revenue, this week blew up in the faces of Youtuber Daddy O' Five and his sister wife. At least when I was getting hit and screamed at as a kid my parents had the decency not to record it and put it on Youtube. Mostly because Youtube didn't exist in 1996, but if it did they totally would've. But with this generation comes a new breed of parent, the kind of parent that (allegedly) exploits their (alleged) children for (alleged) ad revenue. Anyway, here's Philip "Fuck-Me-Eyes" DeFranco giving his take on all this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfpzCsXGxQg

We wrap things up with more winning: aside from Milo losing his book deal and Tomi Lahren losing her internet show, now we finally have Bill O'Reilly losing his TV show and Alex Jones losing his children. Now that Alex Jones outed himself as a performance artist, where am I supposed to get my news from? The lamestream media? I don't think so, George Soros.

Case File 10

Welcome to big episode number 10 of Thought Cops. Today the Easter Bunny brought you not only a new episode, but a brand new theme song so awesome that you'll want to grab whoever is sitting next to you and bash their face into an armrest.

This week we have a number of repeat offenders we have to deal with that didn't learn their lesson the first time around, starting with United Airlines. By the time this episode comes out we'll all already be sick of hearing about them.

As far as whether or not breaking someone's face to get his seat from him is actually legal or not, it seems that it probably wasn't. Here's definitely real internet lawyer Leonard French explaining that point of view:

https://youtu.be/sdtG0WyktMM

You can tell he's a real lawyer by his hat. He did a few other videos on this that I could link to, but they're like 20 minutes long and nobody wants that. The specific points he's making here are the ones I was trying to make on the show.

Speaking of 20 minute videos, here's the one I referenced alleging Reza Aslan misrepresents his academic credentials regarding his "expertise" around religion.

https://youtu.be/E9RmAo6XVAA

Why would CNN give this guy a TV show? I don't know, why would anyone let us have a podcast? We're not qualified to run a McDonalds, let alone a police department.

Last time we covered Marvel, we talked about how "diversity" was killing their comic book sales. Turns out it's actually because they've been sneaking anti-religious propaganda messages into their artwork. Probably shouldn't have hired Reza Aslan as an artist.

If you haven't yet, you can subscribe to us on iTunes. Also feel free to drop us a comment below if you want. We want to hear your opinions on these stories so that we can lambaste you for publicly expressing your beliefs.

Case File 9

Welcome to yet another episode of Thought Cops. This week we cover topics such as diversity killing comic book sales, Elizabeth Warren paying women less than men, and the one thing Nazis just can't seem to get enough of: milk. Milk so white it's not even allowed to even look at a Science March, let alone walk in it.

But the top story this week is what's on everyone's lips right now: a nice, cold, refreshing Pepsi. A Pepsi so cold and refreshing that the world rejoiced jubilantly and joined together singing angelic choruses, ending all wars, weaving the fabric of humanity together into an impenetrable shield against the very forces of evil. Or something like that. Anyway, here's the stupid fucking Pepsi ad.

https://youtu.be/dA5Yq1DLSmQ

I hate sticking up for illiterate pop culture icons, but in the show I try to make the point that it's not Kendall Jenner's fault this happened so much as it's corporate America's sanitized, watered down, focus-grouped pandering that says "we support your message as long as you keep buying our delicious canned corn syrup." Or maybe I'm wrong and Kendall Jenner is literally Hitler. Who isn't nowadays.

There's an interesting phenomenon surrounding the wage gap in this country and female politicians that rally against it at the same time that it reflects their own payroll. Alls I can say is do your own research on it and come to your own conclusions. We're goddamn Thought Cops, not pundits.

Finally, we end by talking about the sensitive and delicate topic of "punching down" in the comedy world, and what to do if your favorite comedian does it. Never fear though, because we're on the case. If ever there is a comedian that punches up or down, we'll be there to punch them back. If ever there's a racist Youtube video that's being monetized, we'll be there to take that ad money and buy beer with it. If ever someone tells you to on Facebook to #deleteuber, we'll be there to delete them from existence. If ever there's a media elite Nazi vampire psychic pedophile slimeball frogman cloud person sucking the life energy out of free and independent media, we'll be there with your medication. For we are: the Thot Thought Cops.

Case File 8

Welcome to yet another episode of Thought Cops. This week we cover a number of contentious issues, such as employee dress codes, furry fetishes, and breastfeeding other people's children.

But first... Da Vinci. Beethoven. Dostoevsky.

... Emmanuel Santos? Is his name to be included with the greatest artists of all time?

Probably not. Who are we to judge his terrible bust of, uh... some sort of human. Not even Jesus could please everybody, but at least he didn't create this godforsaken abomination.

This week, a writer at Polygon made a joke about firing his lazers to a Star Fox character, to which a page called Feminist Frequency said that his fetish for "damsels-in-distress" was disgusting. You know what's disgusting? Judging people's furry fetishes. What if he identifies as a Fox-kin, you bigot? How dare you tell him who he's allowed to be sexually attracted to.

We wrap thing up with a conversation about the TSA patting children down for uncomfortably long, a woman losing her job for accidentally breast feeding someone else's kid, and children playing with pretend guns. I think that the punishment for a child playing with a pretend gun should be the same as the penalty for unlawful carrying: a felony. That's just me though.

We're finally recording with microphones onto a computer like a real podcast would, so let us know how things sound. We also have a new theme song coming out in the next few episodes, so stay tuned. AAAOOOOUUUGGGHHHHH!?!?!?!?!

Case File 7

Welcome to yet another episode of Thought Cops. This week we cover topics such as Tomi Lahren's suspension from her show on The Blaze, Tim Allen's wacky, zany, time travelling adventure into 1930's Germany, and finally, you'll never guess which superhero shaves his or her armpits. I'll give you a hint: it's none of the ThunderCats.

If any of this podcast offends you, just write in to us saying "ouch!" We'll hopefully respond accordingly with an "oops!" and all will be right with the world.

Along with discussing the merits of the Flat Earth movement, we discuss our new podcasting host, Podbean. You can listen to all our past episodes at thoughtcops.podbean.com. This also means we have our are an our RSS feed which you can find here. Also, if you're on the Face-Book, we have a fan page you can like and interact with here.

Case File 6

Welcome to Thought Cops: Episode 6. Or if you're George Lucas, you wouldn't call it anything, because I'm guessing George Lucas doesn't listen to this podcast. If you're wondering, that's the end to these jokes. They've run their course by now, I'm sick of them.

This week we talk about how weight scales trigger people that go to gyms, Snoop Dogg shooting a fake gun at "Ronald Klump," and laws that fine men $100 each time they poke the bishop. You know, punching the one-eyed monster. Am I making any sense? Flogging their friend Richard.

...

Masturbation. That's what I've been trying to say, masturbation. You get fined for masturbating. Will this law pass through Texas's legislature? I have a better question, what's a Texas? Isn't that just Alexis's last name?

If you get that joke you win a free ride-along in our Cop Car.

We also continue analyzing the performances of the Fantasy Celebrity Fighting League. Last week we pitted Leslie Jones against Ben Carson. This week, we talk about the upcoming boxing match between Alex Jones and Alec Baldwin. I just have one thing to say about it: if you think Alex Jones does anything but beat the absolute shit out of Baldwin, you need to start taking more red pills.

I went a little too off the deep end this episode and almost revealed a political opinion. We're having an internal investigation unit look into the matter. Until that gets resolved, I deeply and humbly apologize, and I'll keep the safety on next time.

One final note to the four three listeners of ours, we are looking into syndication options so that you can listen to the show on iTunes and Google Play and whatnot. That should be up in the next couple days along with a Facebook fan page and some other cool shit.

Case File 5

Welcome to episode 5 of Thought Cops, or if you're George Lucas, episode "I hate sand because it's coarse and it gets everywhere." The year is 2017. On today's episode, we cover a wide range of topics, from Women's Day, to gay Disney characters, to Roger Stone calling stupid fat ugly bitches what they really are: stupid fat ugly bitches. Should the truth get you banned from the internet? I don't know, is the government run by media elite psychic vampires bent on creating a new world order so that they can turn all of our amphibians into hermaphrodites? I think we all know the answer.

We also go over Reza Aslan's new Hinduphobic television show that I forgot the name of. Here's a clip of him chillin' with some cannibals.

Apparently he also accidentally ate a piece of a human brain while filming this. Oops.

We also have an exclusive clip of the alleged gay character in the upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast movie that's outraging traditionalists across the country.

Finally, we end the show with who could win a fight with Ben Carson. We say that the only fight Ben Carson might win would be against Godzilla, because he's a brain surgeon with tiny, tiny hands, who could sever the monster's brain stem. Who else would Ben Carson win a fight against? Answer in the comments section below and win free episodes of our podcast for life. Also comment below if you shop regularly at Hobby Lobby, so that we can take a shot at diagnosing you for whatever brain disorder you might have.

Case File 4

Welcome to episode 4 of Thought Cops. Or, if you're George Lucas, episode 1. On this episode, we talk about the most important issue facing today's youth: what gender Garfield is. The answer may shock you.

We also uncover a secret, clandestine fact that's been hidden from us for decades: that people still give a fuck about Garfield. I should really move on from this, but I seriously can't get over it. If you're getting in "Wikipedia Wars" over the gender of the world's lamest, unfunniest, piece of shit cartoon cat, here's a link that might help you.

I'm getting ahead of myself though. Before we begin to say anything about Garfield, I talk about my first undercover mission I went on as a Thought Cop. It revolves around the #deleteuber movement from a few weeks ago, and finding out exactly what would motivate a group of people to want to delete their Uber apps off their phones. Here's a hint: they have absolutely no idea why. Yet that doesn't seem to change much of anything. Far be it from me to tell people what to think, how to feel, and what to do, but all I can ask of humanity is to actually learn about things before they decide to form an opinion around it. Otherwise, you kind of start to sound like an idiot.

In this episode we also investigate issues such as when is it okay to show underboob if you're a feminist, when is it okay for a third grade teacher to call for the deaths of immigrants, and when is it okay to put your feet on the White House sofa. The answer for all of them, shockingly, is never. Glad we could get that out of the way. Now we don't have to talk about those things anymore.

We also spend a bit of time talking about Casey Affleck winning a statue at a ceremony. I don't know what the correct answer is, in the whirlwind of controversy surrounding past sexual harassment allegations, but this is just a quick reminder that we're Thought Cops, not Actual Cops. So that remains mostly outside our jurisdiction. There may be a point to all the hate he's getting, or there might not be. We really don't know. That's okay though, because that's not for us to decide. Because we're not the judges, juries, and executioners: that's you guys who are listening.

To round it out, we put out a warrant for the arrest of Milo Yiannopoulos, since he escaped before he could be sentenced for his thought crime. If you find Milo, dead or alive, the reward is 10 rare green frogs. I'm sure someone out there will understand.

Case File 3

Welcome to Thought Cops. The year is 2017. We start off this episode by sentencing a large portion of last week’s perpetrators to euthanization, and it only gets better after that. If you can’t do the crime, don’t think the crime, that’s what I say.

This week we tackle Milo Yiannopolous’s ultimate downfall. He really shit into the fan with his latest batch of controversial opinions, which got his book cancelled, his invitation to CPAC redacted, and lost him a pretty sweet job as a part of the state-run media corporation Breitbart. Would the late Andrew Breitbart, a man who fought against the growing relationship politics and the media have, approve of Steve Bannon being in President Trump’s administration? I’ve got a better question: who the hell is Andrew Breitbart? Anyhow, I’m not here to tell you about my politics, I’m here to condemn you for yours.

Speaking of condemning people’s politics, we talk about Dexter Fowler and his foul mouth that keeps shoving his liberal ideologies down everyone’s throats. Who the hell do you think your are, answering questions people ask you, talking about your family, and saying how decisions made by a government by the people, for the people, affect you as a person. You should shut your mouth and stick to what you know best instead: winning World Serieses for the Chicago Cubs. What I’m trying to say is, please come back to Chicago, Dex. I love you.

We conclude by following up on two of our past stories, about Yale’s ongoing white supremacy and about Pewdiepie. The POODAHPAH video I referenced can be watched here.

He makes some insightful claims here, and maybe some of them actually vindicate him. But sorry Pewdiepie, if that is your real name, you still have to convert to Judaism. That’s the price you have to pay for fucking with the Thought Cops.

If you haven’t already, you can find all the criminal sentences up on the top menu, under “sentences.” Feel free to suggest your own if you’d like. The best part of this podcast is that it’s an interactive one. You get to be the judge, the jury, and the executioner, because as long as you have a Twitter account, you get to be a part of the outrage mob.

Case File 2

Wee-woo wee-woo, welcome to the second episode of Thought Cops, with your hosts Officer Kevin and Officer Grant. On this week’s episode, we get right into it: the newest symbol of the Alt-Right Neo-Nazis, Netflix’s genocide against Caucasians, the newest N-Words you’re not allowed to say to journalists, and Youtube’s top Youtuber, Pew-die-pie comes out as an Anti-Semite. If Trump was literally Hitler and we were literally living in 1930’s Nazi Germany, I’d definitely be freaking out right about now.

In response to the Netflix show Dear White People, I reference a video by Philip DeFranco that you can watch here.

I applaud him for sitting through the entire movie and creating a commentary around it. I haven’t seen a movie in its entirety since the Lion King came out in theaters when I was 3, and I certainly wasn’t about to watch this one. Hell, I didn’t even watch the entire Philip DeFranco video, I had to turn it off when he started trying to sell me shit. But the argument stands, is this a piece of race-baiting propaganda, or is it more weaponized outrage to get people talking, the core substance of which serves to address issues we’re all facing and yet too afraid to talk about in this country, in an intelligent and digestible way? You decide. I’m already sick of the topic.

We also address the swastikas that have been following Sarah Silverman around New York City like the number Pi does to that guy in that movie Pi.

Hopefully, everything will end well for Sarah. How does that movie end again? I never finished it. I’m sure it probably ends on a positive note.

Finally, I also reference Giraldo Rivera getting hit in the face with a chair in the 80’s. You can watch it here in its full entirety.

The 80’s certainly were an interesting time. Everybody had a daytime talk show, Madonna was still alive, and Pokemon Go hadn’t been invented yet. You’re probably thinking “Madonna is still alive, isn’t she?” To which I shall respond with a final, open-ended question for you to consider until next episode: “is she really?”