Thought Cops

Case File 21

Check IDs before you let anyone in the door of a new episode of THOUGHT COPS. Sleepy Cops edition. This week we're once again bogged down by paperwork, so we've begun a take-no prisoners, shoot first and ask questions later approach. Which consists of us going after anyone online who uses the phrase "nothing burger," anyone who uses fidget spinners, people who bother the fuck out of other people online only to proudly display a "blocked user" screenshot, people who use the phrase "the Youtube Community," people who post porn onto Facebook, and the over the top Harry Potter references online. READ ANOTHER BOOK.

Despite the fact that this episode came out late, and it's a little less adherent to the past format we've been using, this might just be the best episode we've done yet. I hope you all think so too. So buckle up motherfuckers, because the Thought Cops are back, baby! They're good again! Awwwooouuuuuuu! (Wolf howl)

Case File 20

Welcome to the Latest Podcast in the world, the only podcast where I post the episode 4 days late. We're backlogged with about 10,000 hours worth of paperwork. We finished it all though, so according to a TED Talk I didn't watch, we're technically experts at paperwork.

This week we talk about wig-wearing reality star Gene Simmons trademarking a sign language word, two idiots I don't know online fighting about online internet things, Buzzfeed creating imaginary wage gaps, and energizing stickers you place in your vagina.

We also introduce a new segment to the show, where we present the Key to the City of the cyberpunk district of Neo-Greektown. This week it's Peter Butera. Nice speech, Peter. Wanna say it in the White House? Here's the video of Peter's heroism.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw4Le_EEI8w

Thanks for the fake video, CNN. Now back to more paperwork.

Case File 19 with Deputy Henry

Get your outrage license renewed, because it's time for another episode of THOUGHT COPS. On today's episode, we wade deep through the muck of the new Super Colonialist Bros video game, bleeping out D*nald Tr*mp's name on television, and waking Katy Perry up. I use an alarm clock, she uses a haircut and highlights.

This week we're joined by Deputy Henry. Henry is in the studio to plug the concept of a full time job desk job. We also have another call in this week from Undercover Agent Robert, and we once again fucked up his operation by mentioning his name. He's giving us the scoop on Last Man Standing, now on Netflix.

I also read this article from William Hicks off the website HeatStreet, which might be the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I could barely get through it. Check it out.

We also get interrupted about 80 times by different emergency sirens throughout the episode, so you get to listen as my patience wears thinner and thinner. There was probably a hooker war going on outside my window or something.

Case File 18 with Deputy Doug

Slip a rubber on, because Thought Cops just turned 18! That's right, it's another episode of your favorite outrage show. Episode 18. And because our parents didn't buy us a Ferrari for our 16th birthday, we're getting revenge on them by exposing ourselves to the world.

This episode we're joined once again from BFTD Deputy Doug. Doug's got a project he's working on, BUT IT'S NOT DONE YET. So hold on for a bit longer.

This week we talk about comedians and public officials using the n-word, fake protests, pottymouth CNN hosts, pills of all different colors, and tentacle porn. I also talk about how I fucked up when I appeared on another podcast.

Life's been hectic for all of us, but the show's been getting better and better each week. We're considering a possible sponsorship option that's located in Chicago that might help us out with a couple of expenses. It would be great to be able to cover hosting costs, as well as other show necessities such as a third pop filter so I don't BBBBlow PPPeoPPPle's FFFFucking ears out each SSSentenCCCe. So we'll keep you all updated on that. We also want to get a wider variety of guests on, so if you know any comedians, artists, filmmakers, or anybody creative in Chicago, send them our way.

We also pitch our first show contest: a Tim Allen photoshop battle. Best photoshop of Tim Allen wins a 6 pack of Fat Tires from me and a kiss on the mouth from Officer Kevin. Sorry, those are the rules. We're actually serious with this, please send us photoshopped pictures of Tim Allen. I'll actually buy you a 6 pack.

Weewoo weewoo thanks for listening.

Case File 17 with The Stenographer

Buckle up your seat belts, because it's time for another episode of Thought Cops. This week we're joined by our own show's stenographer, to talk about all of last week's online outrage. What has she been stenographizing? Who knows! Eventually we might get some transcripts for these episodes though.

But this week, we're discussing the big ugly unfunny red-haired elephant in the room: Kathy Griffin. I'd say this was a sort of "fall from grace" for Griffin, but her "grace" seems to be neither here nor there. Did Griffin cross a line? Was this warranted? Better question is, now that this happened a number of days ago, is anyone even still thinking about this?

We also talk about the most exciting thing to ever happen in baseball:

Apparently this outraged a bunch of people, but let's be honest: all those people are fucking idiots. This is the coolest picture I've ever seen. I'm putting this on my fridge, as my Facebook profile picture, and making my girlfriend wear a bag on her head with this picture stapled to it.

We also talk about racist stereotypes in Nintendo games, the de-feminization of Kimmy Schmidt, and Chloe Grace Moretz fat shaming people with a poster she made. We also debut a new bit, Internet Headlines, as well as the return of the fan favorite bit Trump Tweets. So go ahead and check it out, subscribe, and tell your friends.

Case File 16 with Ron of Big Sword Panel

Welcome to episode SWEET 16 of Thought Cops. This week we're joined by Deputy Ron from Big Sword Panel. We talk about anime conventions, missed connections, and the most effective ways to piss people off. Number 12 will shock you. We also have Secret Undercover Agent Robert calling in to give us the scoop on Tim Allen's tragically canceled sitcom, Last Man Standing. Cue joke about Obamacare. Cue overly zealous laugh track.

We've got superheroes on the brain this week, because that's the only type of movie that exists anymore. Great power, great responsibility, etc. Whatever. Even the Thought Cops movie is basically a superhero movie, but we have the decency to not force you to sit through another fucking origin story. Whether it's exclusive movie screenings that you have to be part of a “secret club” or gender to get into, or IRL family deaths causing massive outrage online, we're there to crack the case wide open like it's a reporter's reading glasses.

Meanwhile, Gamer-Americans across the country express outrage at the new scenario presented in the latest addition to the Far Cry gaming franchise, Far Cry 5, Codename: White Genocide. Imagine if there was a game where someone gave you a gun, and just said “shoot,” except it happened here! In this very country! Probably nothing. We go over it at length this episode anyway.

It's not all fun and games though, as people are Mad Online™ about shit that's happening here in the real world, like Richard Spencer being kicked out of a gym for being white. Oh and also a supremacist. Someone sound the lunk alarm, because between this and politicians dropping reporters on the ground, it's created a very intimidating environment for me to work out in. The stakes have never been higher, but have no fear because the Thought Cops are on the case.

Case File 15

Welcome to episode 15 of Thought Cops. This week we're talking about Tim Allen's show getting cancelled, much like it would've gotten cancelled in 1940's Germany, Jimmy Fallon's regrets about his infamous Trump interview, and rompers for men, or, "romp-hims." Jesus Christ.

But first: think Bill Cosby is a rapist? Well you might just be a racist then. That's how we're beginning to solve crimes now in America, instead of abiding by the rule of law we've chosen to resort to mindless virtue signalling. At least that's the Thought Cops way of doing things. Better flip on the virtue signal.

Continuing our ongoing story of the fight between the Antifa Babies and the Alt Righties, Gavin McInnes is disinvited from giving a speech at DePaul University all because he likes to punch people that punch him first. So I guess what he should do in the eyes of the university is take lessons from the film Rocky and just keep getting hit in the face without trying to block or dodge anything. Seriously, who taught Rocky how to box? Maybe you would've won the fight if you would've blocked at least half of those hits with something other than your face. Keep your gloves up man, Jesus.

In semi-related news, Jimmy Fallon is seemingly depressed over his lighthearted interview with Donald Trump over a year ago. Maybe instead of ruffling his hair he should've taken a giant shit in his lap. Maybe that would've gotten him good ratings and would've made him more acceptable in the eyes of the general public. I like my comedians how I like my closest friends: completely in agreement with every single one of my opinions.

Men are also wearing rompers now, so apparently that's a thing. Pretty soon adult diapers will be considered haute couture.

You can listen to the rest of this week's bullshit on the show. Just tell your CIA-compromised Alexa to "tell you what's pissing people off this week" and it'll play our episode. Namaste.

Case File 14 with Robbie of The Dirty Nines

Welcome to yet another episode of Thought Cops. This week, we're talking about new symbols from Alex Jones (who isn't a professional symbol maker), the death of Pepe the Frog, and the fact that the Oriental Express doesn't have any Asians in the main cast.

This week we're joined by Deputy Robbie from Moovedia and The Dirty Nines. He's got the scoop on how the government is working nonstop to shut down free speech throughout the country, but failing because they're too bogged down with paperwork. Good thing the Thought Cops are on the case.

We also debut a new bit toward the end of the show called Trump Tweets. We've got the inside story on everything you want to know about the President's tweeting habits, and the effects it has on the nation. These are the hard-hitting analyses you should be demanding of actual news sources.

Speaking of real news sources, here's the symbol Alex Jones from Infowars created to do something about virtual reality or something. I don't know, you read it.

From Alex Jone's Twitter

On this episode I also read aloud the insane ramblings of a crazy Twitter user who wrote me a Tom Clancy novel in response to me asserting that Alex Jones was a pioneer, and an explorer. You won't want to miss it.

There's so much else to talk about this week. Creator of Boy's Club Matt Furie kills off Pepe in an attempt to separate himself from those who use the character as a hate symbol. This seems to have somewhat backfired and only empowered his usage more, but I think I have a more realistic solution that I might get into next episode if I can remember.

We also have Chris Pratt's transgression against the deaf and hard of hearing, microaggressions toward the CEO of Youtube, a racism most foul on the Orient Express, and last but not least and definitely the most important, calling your dog your baby is an insult to moms everywhere. Seriously. My mom calls her dog her baby so I don't even know what to do. I wish I could keep her from insulting herself and internalizing her own oppression, but she just refuses to go online reading dumb-shit articles on Popsugar like I do.

This is definitely a show you won't want to miss, it's packed with material. Click that audio file, mash that subscribe button on iTunes, give us a good rating, and send us a Tom Clancy novel on our Twitter. These past two episodes with guests turned out great, so we definitely plan on doing more like this. Thanks for listening.

Case File 13 with Deputy Doug

Welcome to episode 13 of Thought Cops. This episode we talk about #FireColbert, the failed Fyre Festival, and firing Jimmy Kimmel out of a cannon for his disgusting healthcare propaganda.

This week, we're joined by special guest Deputy Doug. This was our first time with a three mic setup, so sorry ahead of time for the amount of extra noise in the audio. It'll sound better next time. At least it sounds better than when we recorded these on my phone.

We begin the episode talking about stapling sombreros to heads on Cinco De Mayo, and end with talking about a pretentious comic about creative people that's apparently a year old but just recently came into the public spotlight for being fucking stupid. Then again, it's on the internet, so why wouldn't it be fucking stupid.

We also tackle the controversial Fyre Festival, an infamous clusterfuck of a tropical island music festival started by Ja Rule and Jean-Ralphio. I'm sure I'm not the first to make that joke, but I mean seriously. Fucking come on. If American life ends up becoming anymore of a reality show, I may end up hanging myself in a lighthouse somewhere.

We also talk about Jimmy Kimmel sniveling through his monologue talking about his son's traumatic birth. Typical smug liberal. If I wanted someone shoving their political opinion down my throat, I would've gone FUCKING ANYWHERE, BECAUSE THERE'S NO AVOIDING IT ANYMORE. I mean I'm all for freedom of speech, but all this nonsense about how politics can effect real people with real life problems really puts a bad taste in my mouth.

May the 7th be with you.

Case File 12

Welcome to episode 12 of Thought Cops. This episode we talk about stupid pants, Bill Nye the Cringe Guy, and the Apocalypse. Oops, I mean the "Adpocalypse." My bad. One's the end of the earth, the other is a group of people that call disgustingly call themselves "Youtubers" making twenty minute long videos complaining about "the community."

The War on Berkeley continues today with Ann Coulter's skirmish with the Antifa. I don't know why they don't just do what I do when I see Ann Coulter: change the channel.

We start today's episode with a joke about Coachella being renamed to Sharkulafest, and I quickly find out that Officer Kevin doesn't know who Sharkula is. Like he's living under a god-damned rock. So if you're one of the many out there who are both uncultured and uninformed, here's the greatest rapper alive, Sharkula.

https://youtu.be/uKrZRAotSxU

In this episode we also announce the new kid's TV show we're trying to pitch to network television. You knew them and loved them when you were a kid, but now they've really gotten into protesting and lighting trashcans on fire.

Is Baby Antifa Kermit a domestic terrorist, or just fighting the good fight against right wing authoritarianism? Find out on the next episode, "The Baby Antifa vs. the Nazi Menace!" The most perplexing thing about this picture is that his ideology leans left, but he's a green frog, and those are typically associated with the right. Talk about a confusing case of identity politics.

Speaking of identity politics, here's item number one on the long list of reasons why Trump won:

https://youtu.be/Wllc5gSc-N8

That's right, the reason Trump is president is because of a television show that came out five months after the election. That aside, this makes me want to rename Coachella to Cringella and make this the headlining act. I'd cancel my Netflix in protest of this show, but if I don't have access to Bojack Horseman, who the hell is supposed to be the hero I aspire to be one day?

Make sure that aside from subscribing on iTunes, you follow us on Twitter. We just started tweeting so that we could finally get involved in the battle against free speech on the internet. Hopefully by the time we're done, everyone will be in time out.